Tag Archives: Nelson Cruz

2014 World Series Matchup Power Rankings

Derek Jeter

We’re down to the 2014 Major League Baseball Season’s Final Four. Four teams have sufficiently survived both their own stupidity and the stupidity of others in order to still be playing baseball games in mid-October. Things that matter a lot in the regular season like “getting on base and not consuming outs” matter less than you might think in the postseason. More important to postseason success is whether or not a team starts hitting a plethora of random WTF dingers (I’m looking at you, Cardinals; and you, Royals, with your ∗‰∅∉ing Mike  Moustakas – what actually the hell is going on?), avoids pissing the bed on defense (not like this), and possesses a bullpen that decides to actually slam the door in the later innings (not like this)… ORRRRRR… possess a bullpen that avoids pissing the bed on defense (NOT LIKE THIS).

Derek Jeter

mattythep drives by Moustakas’s adolescent alma (Stony Point High School in Chatsworth, CA) almost every day during his commute.

Click to enlarge.
Click to enlarge.

Hallowed ground, we’re sure. Clearly, Matty Patty is touched by destiny and you are not.

This always seemed more of a sad footnote than something that was actually cool because, despite a pretty solid glove, Moustakas has largely been quite bad at producing runs in his major league career. This October, however, he’s becoming a true American Hero along the lines of George WashingtonDerek Jeter, Babe Ruth, Derek Jeter, John Wayne, Derek JeterDerek Jeter, Neil ArmstrongDerek Jeter, grilling and getting hammered, Derek Jeter, Kim Kardashian, Derek Jeter, and Kevin Bacon. Seriously, he is going bananas in pretty much every conceivable way – this catch, for example, demands a synthesis of adjectives because conventional ones might not properly capture its splendor: Rimazidicredibling? Astounrealdiculous? Sumirperlativaculous? Porn?

(Click to watch this amazing catch)

Derek Jeter

Moustakas’s enduring legacy aside, let us explore what the 2014 World Series might have in store for us. Which pairing of final combatants would make for the most compelling series? Which would (undoubtedly) sport the best narrative? And which would be most likely to cause a Fox executive to inflict severe harm to his own person? Do any of these things matter so long as we get to hear Joe Buck talk? We explore all of these facets and probably more to bring you:

Derek Jeter


Derek Jeter

4.) Baltimore Orioles vs San Francisco Giants

3.) Baltimore Orioles vs St. Louis Cardinals

2.) Kansas City Royals vs San Francisco Giants

1.) Kansas City Royals vs St. Louis Cardinals

A.) The Real 1


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Spring Fling / Give Him a Ring / Leave Him Crying: AL East Edition

Can the dudes race against the onset of summer and win? No, probably not. Will the fact that the final edition(s) “Spring Fling / Give Him a Ring / Leave Him Crying” could very well be published in summer matter to someone? Probably. Does that someone read “Sweet Nothings and Hardball?” Math says “no.” Nonetheless, we are committed to bringing you the opportunity to pick, from a sample of three, one to ‘Date’, one to ‘Marry’, and one to ‘Kick to the Curb’. The Subjects? All 30 MLB rosters.  The Objective? To provide you a cursory introduction to some of the players and concepts we value… and hate. You know it. You love it. It’s…

Sweet Nothings and Hardball’s “Spring Fling / Give Him A Ring / Leave Him Crying” Game!

Spring Fling
: Ready to give a season to this player, but for any number of reasons it probably won’t work out long-term.

Give Him a Ring: Ready to commit to this player for at least 3 seasons.

Leave him Crying: Ready to be cold and heartless because sometimes we don’t want to be masochists anymore.

Players must have accrued MLB service time this season to qualify as entrants.


Presented in order of standings on June 15, 2014.

Toronto Blue Jays
Baltimore Orioles
New York Yankees
Boston Red Sox
Tampa Bay Rays

Wait, so what you are saying is that the AL East is getting yet further coverage? Sadly, it must be so, trolls. Hey, at least its some weird “upside down” AL East though. C’mon – doesn’t some part of you enjoy that this is *almost* a complete inversion of the 2008 standings? Too esoteric? We can’t be friends.

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