We’re down to the 2014 Major League Baseball Season’s Final Four. Four teams have sufficiently survived both their own stupidity and the stupidity of others in order to still be playing baseball games in mid-October. Things that matter a lot in the regular season like “getting on base and not consuming outs” matter less than you might think in the postseason. More important to postseason success is whether or not a team starts hitting a plethora of random WTF dingers (I’m looking at you, Cardinals; and you, Royals, with your ∗‰∅∉ing Mike Moustakas – what actually the hell is going on?), avoids pissing the bed on defense (not like this), and possesses a bullpen that decides to actually slam the door in the later innings (not like this)… ORRRRRR… possess a bullpen that avoids pissing the bed on defense (NOT LIKE THIS).
mattythep drives by Moustakas’s adolescent alma (Stony Point High School in Chatsworth, CA) almost every day during his commute.
Hallowed ground, we’re sure. Clearly, Matty Patty is touched by destiny and you are not.
This always seemed more of a sad footnote than something that was actually cool because, despite a pretty solid glove, Moustakas has largely been quite bad at producing runs in his major league career. This October, however, he’s becoming a true American Hero along the lines of George Washington, Derek Jeter, Babe Ruth, Derek Jeter, John Wayne, Derek Jeter, Derek Jeter, Neil Armstrong, Derek Jeter, grilling and getting hammered, Derek Jeter, Kim Kardashian, Derek Jeter, and Kevin Bacon. Seriously, he is going bananas in pretty much every conceivable way – this catch, for example, demands a synthesis of adjectives because conventional ones might not properly capture its splendor: Rimazidicredibling? Astounrealdiculous? Sumirperlativaculous? Porn?
Moustakas’s enduring legacy aside, let us explore what the 2014 World Series might have in store for us. Which pairing of final combatants would make for the most compelling series? Which would (undoubtedly) sport the best narrative? And which would be most likely to cause a Fox executive to inflict severe harm to his own person? Do any of these things matter so long as we get to hear Joe Buck talk? We explore all of these facets and probably more to bring you:
SWEET NOTHINGS AND HARDBALL’S
2014 MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL
WORLD SERIES MATCHUP POWER RANKINGS
4.) Baltimore Orioles vs San Francisco Giants
3.) Baltimore Orioles vs St. Louis Cardinals
2.) Kansas City Royals vs San Francisco Giants
1.) Kansas City Royals vs St. Louis Cardinals
A.) The Real 1
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